Happy Father’s Day!

My post for Mother’s Day was about the many valuable lessons horror movie mothers have passed on to us throughout the years.  They’ve taught us quite a bit, but what about good ole dad? Horror movie fathers have loads of wisdom to pass down, too, so let’s look at just a little bit of what they’ve taught us.

Lesson: Keep a classic suit in your wardrobe. It’ll come in handy more often than you think.

Father: Man (The People Under the Stairs)

Poor Mommy and Daddy just had so much to deal with: an insubordinate “daughter,” a basement full of mutilated “sons,” and then Fool came along to bring their world crashing down around them.  They dealt with it as well as they could have, and Daddy taught us a great lesson by showing us how handy a classic suit can be in a pinch.  His “organized” search for Fool and Alice in the walls of his house included an easily-cleaned, aerodynamic gimp suit that allowed him to freely move about the house without fear of getting messy or scratched or…whatever.

Lesson: Don’t let age slow you down.  You’re only as old as you feel.

Father: Grandfather (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

Wow.  We can learn so much from this old man.  He sets such a good example for his children.  Just because you’re old, dusty, wheelchair-bound, and look a little like a mummy, this doesn’t mean you’ve got to slow down.  Oh no.  Sally was on the menu, and Grandpa was going to serve her up.  Sure, his aim was off and he lacked any amount of strength, but that didn’t stop him.  Sally got away in the end, but I bet if Grandpa had given her head a few more whacks, things might have gone differently.

Lesson: Don’t give up on your dreams. (Bonus lesson: Always wear a jacket.)

Father: Jack Torrance (The Shining)

Jack Torrance was an aspiring author, and he was willing to go the distance to achieve his dreams.  Going the distance in this case was becoming the winter caretaker in an empty hotel and dragging his wife and son with him to enjoy the solitude and snow.  That’s pretty dedicated.  And yeah, it all went to hell pretty quickly, but if he hadn’t been targeted by some malevolent ghosts, by God he would’ve written that novel.

Also, after his – let’s just say – breakdown, he taught us the importance of wearing the appropriate attire to chase your son through a maze in the freezing cold.

Lesson: Look both ways before you cross the road.

Father: Louis Creed (Pet Sematary)

Lessons are often learned after a mistake, and boy, did Louis Creed make a big one by not passing on some crucial, basic rules to his son, Gage.  I guess you could really argue that Gage was actually the one to teach us the lesson, but Louis’s actions afterward kinda help to drive that one home.  So remember kids: look both ways before you cross the road, or you’ll get killed and your dad will have to bury you in cursed ground to bring you back and then you’ll go on a killing spree and kill everyone you know and love.

Lesson: If it seems too good to be true, it is.

Father: George Lutz (The Amityville Horror)

Step-dads are fathers, too, and George Lutz was a great one.  He tried his best to provide for his new family, including buying a lovely home in Long Island for all of them to enjoy.  He got it for a steal, too, and although they were told about the house’s history, it seemed like  it was a deal they couldn’t pass up.  Well, they really should have.  George sorta got possessed by the evil spirits haunting the house, and after finally breaking free of their hold on him, he was able to get him and his new family out of the house and away from it forever.

There you have it – five excellent lessons we can all benefit from.  To all those horror movie fathers out there, based on real life and fictional, thank you for all you’ve taught us.