Happy Mother’s Day!

Okay, I know Mother’s Day was yesterday, but we should really be celebrating our mothers every day.  Shouldn’t we?  Moms are so important.  I know that I’ve been so lucky to have such a loving mother in my life.  She’s funny, loving, smart – the whole package, really.

But this isn’t the place to talk about all that mushy stuff.  So let’s stick with the status quo and discuss what horror movie moms have taught us:

Lesson:  It’s important to have a moral compass.

Mother: Margaret White (Carrie)

Carrie’s mom just wanted her daughter to follow the righteous path.  Maybe Carrie’s telekinetic powers came naturally to her.  But maybe – just maybe – they came from Satan.  Not Margaret White’s baby!  She was ready to do anything and everything to keep her daughter from landing in the fiery pits of hell, including straight-up murdering Carrie to save her soul.  It’s tough to have to make those kinds of decisions.

Lesson: It’s important to be polite. (Also, don’t wear white after Labor Day.)

Mother: Beverly Sutphin (Serial Mom)

Social niceties are important.  You don’t just steal parking spaces or stand someone’s daughter up for a date in a civilized society – not without consequences.  Beverly Sutphin knew this and tried her darndest to teach impolite people why they needed to die for their slights.  And for wearing white after Labor Day.

Lesson: Explore your talents.  If you’re good at something, it’ll pay.

Mother: Norman Bates/Mother (Psycho)

Ms. Bates was a little domineering.  We all know that.  But she was only looking out for the best interests of her child.  Would Norman have gotten as far in life without Mother’s support?  Telling him when to change the bed sheets, when to turn on the ‘Vacancy’ light, which guests to kill, how to cultivate his skill in taxidermy so that she could “live on” after death?  I’ll tell you where he’d be.  He’d be just another boring guy working at a failing motel.  Listen to your mom.  Mother knows best.

Lesson: Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Mother: Woman (The People Under the Stairs)

Little Alice was bad.  She was friends with Roach, who spoke against her “parents.”  Sometimes children need discipline for going against their parents’ wishes, and sometimes that discipline needs to be a scalding hot bath to wash away their sins.

Lesson:  If anyone hurts my baby, there’ll be hell to pay.

Mother: Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

A good mother loves her child unconditionally and will go to terrifying lengths to protect/avenge him.  Oh, so Jason drowned while you were having unprotected sex and getting high on all kinds of drugs?  No problem. Ms. Voorhees will slice-and-dice you and every counselor there ever was.  Don’t come between a mother and her child, or you might just end up dead.

These are just some of the important lessons we’ve learned from the horror movie mommies in our lives.  And those are some pretty good lessons.  They might be a little more violent than necessary, but well, no mother is perfect.

I mean, my mom is, but that’s beside the point.